No Genie in This Bottle
by Inu Hanyou Nikkie
Summary: Kouga was lonely and he just wanted his dream girl. What will be the outcome of his looking for love?


**No Genie in This Bottle**

**By Inu Hanyou Nikkie**

**A/N:** a little Crack!Fic I came up with. And I used one of my two favourite unliked characters to be the star of the story. **Kouga lovers please avoid this story.** Any and all Flames will be laughed at and shared with others to laugh at as well!

**Disclaimer :** I do not own nor make any monies off of Inuyasha and the gang. No, that pleasure completely belongs to the Goddess Rumiko Takahashi, Shounen Sunday, VIZ. I am only using them for pure entertainment value only. I also in no way claim any hint of ownership to "Weenie in a Bottle" song by Weird Al. I am merely using the song for pure entertainment value only! Nothing more!

**Warning: Contains self abuse of a sensitive body part**.

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**No Genie in This Bottle**

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Kouga sighed as he listened to the droning sound of the dial tone in his ear. He rolled his ice blue eyes up to the ceiling of his apartment in silent askance of the Gods as to why he couldn't catch a break with the girl of his dreams. Sure, she brushed him and turned him down at every attempt he made to get her to go out for dinner. But that she was only playing hard to get.

Kagome didn't really mean it when she said she only saw him a friend.

That was her code for she was being watched and couldn't say what she really wanted to say.

And it was just her way of saving face so as not to be jeered at because she was alone by saying she was engaged to InuYasha.

But damn her body was so fine… so perfectly curved and seductively female. He couldn't help but become aroused from the thoughts of her.

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_It feels like I've been alone too long _

_With no girls around_,

_My mind was wondering_,

_Thinking of some way, to release it_

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Damn, why hadn't he gotten himself some 'toys' for when he needed some action. And why did the girls always turn him down these days? Okay, fine, so they all looked like Kagome in some way or another… but that didn't mean a thing. He was a very attractive man to behold. With his lean, tanned built body. He loved running, okay fine, he was obsessed with running.

Sighing again, he finally replaced the phone back on the hook after waiting fifteen minutes in case Kagome came back on the line. She had told him not to call her again as she was tired by his crazy stalking and didn't want to have to file a restraining order on him.

He knew she didn't mean it. She was forced to say that by someone holding a knife to her throat… that had to be it.

He went over to his couch and slouched down onto it. His arms crossed sulkily over his bare chest. He let his gaze wander around the room, his thoughts like a broken record stuck on Kagome's smiling face and her cute little summer dress. She wore it on that day he had tried to present her with flowers only to have her laugh, dash right past him and jump into the arms of this other man with butt length, thick black hair. His pewter coloured eyes that only focused on the gorgeous, petite female wrapped around his so tall muscular frame as he easily held her up. Kagome had laughed so sweetly and excitedly chatted about the gold hoop in his ear.

Kouga at first was scared that this man had brainwashed Kagome but then quickly changed that to it must be a relative. Kissing cousins, judging by the way they slowly brought their lips together and started kissing.

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_I looked in the kitchen_,

_Saw some Crisco oil and that's when my blood started to boil _

_Oooohhh yeah  
_

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Kouga's gaze caught sight of the pretty much empty Crisco bottle and he started panting. In his mind the bottle took on the curves of Kagome. Soon the dream-Kagome was beckoning him over to her with a vixen's smile and a curling finger.

Kouga couldn't refuse his woman anything. He swiftly got up, nearly tripping over his own feet in his haste to answer her. He was standing before her in seconds and the dream-Kagome made motions with her hands and then he knew when her mouth opened up what she wanted of him.

What a great woman she was!!

Down went his pants and tighty-whiteys…

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_Ow, ow, ow_! (_Uh-oh_)

_Ow, ow, ow_! (_oh god, what did I just do_?!)

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His eyes bugged out of his head and balloon noises began to squeeze out between his lips as the first jolts of pain raced up to his small brain. His voice steadily, slowly climbed the octave range.

He only wanted to be with his woman! How could she do this to him!

The pain!

The Agony!

He couldn't hold himself to relieve the pain seeing that there was a Crisco bottle now in his way. He couldn't pull it off that only caused a rodent sounding scream to break free from his throat.

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_No-one wanted to be with me_,

_had to make my dream come true _

_I wanted to hump something_,

_I didn't know what to do _

_It seemed like a good idea_,

_and no-one else was around I stuck my weenie in a bottle_,

_and now I can't get it out  
_

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Oh gods! He was turning a freaking purple now! And the bottle bobbed with each struggling pulse of blood. He started to whimper like a baby and tears leaked from the corners of his eyes. He tried to pull it off again and fell to the floor screaming and writhing from that attempt.

Oh someone help! He had heard that if something was extremely tight on a limb or appendage that it would fall off! His Willy Winkie was going to fall off!

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(_stuck my weenie in a bottle today_,

_gonna shove it up all the way_,

_I stuck my weenie in a bottle_,

_oh no, i can't, just can't, someone help me out_)

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He had just lost the feeling in his Willy Winkie now. Panicking he scrambled up onto his hands and knees and tried to crawl around to find his phone. He could feel the hard surface of the bottle as it smacked against his legs in his frantic movements. He needed help NOW!

Where the HELL did he up that wireless phone of his?!!

He saw it sticking out from between the cushions of the couch where he had been previously was sitting. Falling a couple of times in his furious crawling which resulted in a few high pitched shrieks as the bottle jarred against the floor, he finally had the phone in his hands.

Trembling, he dialed 9-1-1…

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_It's turning purple, all the feeling's gone _

_Now where did I put that friggin' phone_?

_Dialling 911_

_-_

_-  
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_Please pick up_,

_I'm in alot of pain _

_This was supposed to feel good_,

_now I'm suffering _

_Oh please answer  
_

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Sweat was dripping down the sides of his ashen-white face, an odd contrast to the blackening-purple of his Willy Winkie. The steady bobbing of the bottle now mocking him with its cruel threat of ending Mr Willy Winkie's happy life.

One Ring…

Two Rings…

Why wouldn't they answer? Then a voice on the other end! Mercy! Sweet mercy soon! Kouga's first attempted at begging for help came out in squeaks and breathless yelps. Exclaims of intense pain. The 9-1-1 Operator asked him to repeat as she didn't understand his emergency.

Sucking in a huge breath, Kouga gritted his teeth and painfully explained his emergency. He had a severe pains in his crotch that soon was followed by complete numbness. The colour of his Willy Winkie was a near black colour and could someone please come?

The operator inquired for some more information to pass on to the ER team that was heading his way.

Kouga didn't even blink or think about it before he exclaimed in agony that he was stuck in a Crisco bottle. Completely missing the shocked gasp of the operator on the other end then the barely stifled giggling. So all consuming was his torture that he also missed the Operator call over to her friend, Ayame to listen in. Ayame had answered back, 'I'm on it, Sango. Listening now.'

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_Denver 911_,

_what is your emergency_?

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_Ow, ow, ow_!

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_Hello_?

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_Ow, ow, ow_!

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_Sir, what seems to be the problem_?

_No-one wanted to be with me_,

_had to make my dream come true _

_I wanted to hump something_,

_I didn't know what to do _

_It seemed like a good idea_,

_and no-one else was around _

_I stuck my weenie in a bottle_,

_and now I can't get it out_

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Insane with the non-ceasing pain that was trying to consume him in its inferno, Kouga started rambling. He talked about this one girl that he considered to be his woman. How he knew that she really wanted him even though she turned him down, that she was engaged to some guy – but it was though threats. That he's seen his dream girl in the company of another guy. That he's seen them kissing, holding hands, … cuddling.

He talked about his need for release, that he is a virile, healthy male with healthy needs and wants.

He didn't hear the giggling of the two women as he rambled on about his needs and the situation he found himself in. He talked about how this was going to make Willy Winkie unable to perform for gods know how long!

And what was Kagome going to think if they wanted to make love? That is once she came to her senses and called off her engagement.

He rambled on in a fit of rage about that InuYasha guy who controlled every thing about Kagome, that poor brainwashed girl.

He curled up on the floor and alternated between sobbing in pain and ranting his rages as he awaited the ER crew's arrival.

Sango made her soothing talk to keep Kouga from moving and possibly hurting… Winkie… more than it already was. She stroked his ego and pride by saying this Kagome must be blinded not to see the wonderful man that he was. She also asked him to explain again how he got himself stuck in the bottle, to which he obliged.

In complete sympathy, Sango uttered her words of empathy for his situation and reassured him that help was swiftly on the way.

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_You stuck your weenie in a bottle, oh my_  
_You must be a really lonely guy_,  
_You stuck your weenie in a bottle, that's a first_  
_Don't worry sir, we're sending somebody out_

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_Hey Pam, this guy's got his weenie stuck in a bottle_!  
_No way_!  
_He does_!  
_What a friggin' loser_!  
_Wait, sir, we're sending somebody out_  
_AHAHAHAHAHAHA_!

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The last thing Kouga heard before his vision turned completely black and he lost consciousness, slipping into blessed, oblivion that gave sweet relief was the voices of the ER team outside his locked apartment door calling out to him…

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(_He's in here, lets break the door down_!

_Stand back_!

_OH MY GOD_!

_AHAHAHAHA_!)

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_No-one wanted to be with him_,

_he had to make his dream come true_,

_he wanted to hump something_,

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_I (HE) didn't know what to do_,

_it seemed like a good idea_,

_and no-one else was around_,

_he stuck his weenie in a bottle_,

_now I (HE) can't get it out_!

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_Ok, relax kid, we're gonna get this thing off ya_!

_Ok Harry get ready_.

_PULL, PULL, PULL_!

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_Stuck my weenie in a bottle today_,

_Now, now, now I can't get it out_


End file.
